1 God I Miss Him on Wed 08 Jun 2011, 02:58
How can you miss someone so much for so long after only having a short amount of time with them? It shouldn't hurt this much. It shouldn't make you regret your decisions. It shouldn't make you wonder constantly if things are okay for him. It shouldn't!
And it makes you relive the good and bad times,all times you had with him, ones you'd give anything to get back again, good and bad.
How can you go from smiling and laughing and listening to techno music, to crying your souls tears out and feeling pain and listening to music that just makes you do it more?
Screw emotions sometimes. Screw being passionate. Screw everything right now. I hate crying. I hate allowing myself to be affected by something that is so out of my control. I just hate this....GOD damn tears! They even taste bitter.
And its not even like he's dead. He's gone. Because of me. But he told me to. I felt it in the way he was acting...the way he'd look at me....I knew it was time. But why? Because if it was I shouldn't still be doing this. I cry sometimes...but not like this....not where my whole body shakes,quivering jaw,uncontrolled breaths...not like this.
I don't even want to be sad...how can something just....drown everything with one look,one freaking thought! HOW!:?
My eyes are burning, my throat is sore, my nose is close to running and my tears have made a steady stream down my cheeks and passed my chin. I don't want to remember him this way. I don't want to look back and cry. I want to look back and smile. How come I can about everything else, but not him? WHY?.............
I want to wrap my arms around his neck and bury nose in his shoulder,inhaling his scent. I just want to see him again. I don't even care if I don't get to have him back. Can I just see him? Please....oww,my chest. I don't even worry that he remembers me. I know he would. So please, let me see him? Let me run up to him and hug him again. Smell his sweet odor, with a little bit of sweat. It always told me he had a good workout. Thats all I want. Run my fingers through his gray mane,stroke my palm over his silver coat...please?
I have his halter. Its in my hands now.....that doesn't help. I should probably get rid of it?....but i'll get him back someday. Right? I'll find him. He'll come back to me. I'll stumble across an add,something? My jaw hurts from trying to hold back my tears,doesn't make much sense when they come from your eyes,but it still takes your mouth to let that sound out. The one i'm so desperately trying to hold in.
God I miss Johnny.
Anytime I reread this...
More tears will come.
At least I know for the next time.
I don't want there to be a next time...