I can't even look at his pictures. I thought I could after eight...what is it? Nine months? Longer than that...its at least been a year and its been THREE since i've seen him. I thought I got over him. I don't think i'm ever going to. Everytime I see his picture and I think about all the stuff we went through and how much he grew with me...I freaking cry. Yeah,actual tears that reach the chin and fall on your shirt,tears. Sniffles too, but that comes with the territory,right? God...I want him back. I hate thinking about how I got rid of him and how many times I can sit here and type about how much I miss him. I still physically hurt when I think about him. I can't even look at his pictures...I end up turning them into confetti. The only reason why I can sit here and type this is because I have a picture of him on myspace and its not even a very good one. I never did get good pictures of him. I'll always regret that. I'll obviously never forget what he looked like....which sometimes causes more pain than just forgetting everything. I lost my best friend and he was so much more than that to me....how do you describe a bond so spiritual and so unconditional with someone that can't even speak? I don't know. When I do, that'll be a blog all for its own. I feel guilty for missing him so much though,because I have someone who is supposed to fulfill the things in me that he did. No one ever will. His song was Amazed by You by Lonestar. Silly,but true. Goofy horse would get all soft eyed and relaxed when he heard the song. Figures i'd listen to it now. The one I end up listening to when i'm making photo confetti is Listen to Your Heart by DHT,the slow version. Because I obviously didn't or I did and shouldn't have.
How can you miss someone so much for so long after only having a short amount of time with them? It shouldn't hurt this much. It shouldn't make you regret your decisions. It shouldn't make you wonder constantly if things are okay for him. It shouldn't!
But.
It does.
And it makes you relive the good and bad times,all times you had with him, ones you'd give anything to get back again, good and bad.
How can you go from smiling and laughing and listening to techno music, to crying your souls tears out and feeling pain and listening to music that just makes you do it more?
Screw emotions sometimes. Screw being passionate. Screw everything right now. I hate crying. I hate allowing myself to be affected by something that is so out of my control. I just hate this....GOD damn tears! They even taste bitter.
And its not even like he's dead. He's gone. Because of me. But he told me to. I felt it in the way he was acting...the way he'd look at me....I knew it was time. But why? Because if it was I shouldn't still be doing this. I cry sometimes...but not like this....not where my whole body shakes,quivering jaw,uncontrolled breaths...not like this.
I don't even want to be sad...how can something just....drown everything with one look,one freaking thought! HOW!:?
My eyes are burning, my throat is sore, my nose is close to running and my tears have made a steady stream down my cheeks and passed my chin. I don't want to remember him this way. I don't want to look back and cry. I want to look back and smile. How come I can about everything else, but not him? WHY?.............
I want to wrap my arms around his neck and bury nose in his shoulder,inhaling his scent. I just want to see him again. I don't even care if I don't get to have him back. Can I just see him? Please....oww,my chest. I don't even worry that he remembers me. I know he would. So please, let me see him? Let me run up to him and hug him again. Smell his sweet odor, with a little bit of sweat. It always told me he had a good workout. Thats all I want. Run my fingers through his gray mane,stroke my palm over his silver coat...please?
I have his halter. Its in my hands now.....that doesn't help. I should probably get rid of it?....but i'll get him back someday. Right? I'll find him. He'll come back to me. I'll stumble across an add,something? My jaw hurts from trying to hold back my tears,doesn't make much sense when they come from your eyes,but it still takes your mouth to let that sound out. The one i'm so desperately trying to hold in.
I'm sad.
God I miss Johnny.

Anytime I reread this...
More tears will come.
At least I know for the next time.

I don't want there to be a next time...

*super ultra mega huggles*

Thanks Yumi. :)

Are you talking about a horse? :S

Oh, honey... *gives a big hug*

If you have talked about this before, this is my first time reading any of it, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're without your best friend. I can understand, but can't imagine. :(

Can I ask why you don't have Johnny anymore?

MMEggman: Yes.

Animal: He gave me a sign, if you will, indicating that it was time I let him be someone elses friend and that I find a new one. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it still gets to me...even tho I have a new friend of six years now who I wouldn't give back for the world. :) Thanks for understanding. :) *receives hug gratefully*

thats so sad :(. I hope you feel better.