1 Lamb of God Singer Randy Blythe Launches Campaign for U.S. President on Fri 06 Jan 2012, 03:57
Our favorite politically informed and opinionated singer these days is Lamb of God‘s Randy Blythe. He recently spouted off about the state of digital music. Now, on his Randonesia Tumblr blog,
the singer posted a manifesto offering to run for the highest elected
office in our nation, which is that of President of the United States.
In his lengthy (and tongue-in-cheek) rant, Blythe expresses his
displeasure with the possible candidates for office, reminds us that
it’s 2012, which, according to the Mayan calendar, means bad stuff is on
the horizon, so it’ll be D. Randall Blythe to the rescue. Claiming to
“love the USA like a nerd loves D&D” and that he is “thoroughly
disgusted with the state of affairs,” Blythe is being a metaphorical
martyr, throwing himself on the grenade that is the role of the
This is where the singer gets really into it, saying that his first
act as the leader of the free world and commander in chief would be to
be shot by a Navy SEAL Sniper. But his reasoning makes complete and
total sense. In order to be shot, he’d have to change his mindset and
consider making decisions affecting the survival of others.
Seriously, you’ll need to read the rant two or three times in order
to absorb it all and by the third time, you’ll think Blythe makes sense,
is brilliant, slightly unhinged or some combination of any of these
There’s even a promotional banner, reading: “F— the dumb s—. Let’s get real here.”
Some of our favorite parts of the manifesto are excerpted below:
It’s 2012 now, the year some are saying the Mayan
calendar predicts a cataclysmic upheaval across the board for our
planet, perhaps even the end of the world as we know it. I don’t know if
these doomsday predictions have any validity, but I do know one thing:
the potential candidates in the race to decide who will be elected
President of the United States look like pure s—.
I’m not particularly stoked on any of the candidates. In a massive
blow to our civil rights, Obama quietly signed the NDAA for the fiscal
year 2012 into law while Americans drank in their party hats on New
Year’s Eve. The GOP is parading around a bunch of ass-clowns in what has
got to be the most embarrassing primary season in the history of their
party. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than Sarah Palin,
they bust out that lunatic Michele Bachman. I have no clue what the
Libertarians are up to now that Ron Paul is gunning for the Republican
nomination. Probably loading their guns and preparing for the worst.
We need a man who is not afraid to stick his neck out and risk
embarrassing himself while doing the right thing, a man, in fact,
INCAPABLE of embarrassment anymore PERIOD because he’s ALREADY done
almost every stupid WRONG thing you can think of at one time or the
other. We need a hard-boiled, no-nonsense, mean son-of-a-bitch with a
bad reputation who ain’t afraid to cock-whip the shit out of some
randomly selected p—– a– billionaire on live tv during his annual State
of the Union Address just to make a point and let the mega-rich know
that NO ONE is above the law here in the land of the free and the home
of the brave. In short, we need a man who just DOES NOT GIVE A F—.
America, that man is me…
My first act as President of the United States will to be shot.
That’s right, SHOT. With a high-powered assault rifle. Immediately after
taking the oath of office, I will be escorted about twenty yards away
and be shot publicly in a non-lethal area of my body by a highly trained
Navy SEAL sniper. It will hurt like f—. Why would I do this? Because I
will now be commander-in-chief of the armed forces. This means that
during my term I will probably have to make some tough decisions
affecting the survival of other men. And as commander-in-chief, I
shouldn’t expect anyone in our military to do anything I’m not willing
to do myself. That includes getting shot. Me being shot will be
broadcast live world-wide via satellite, with no bleeping out of the
incredible string of curse words I will undoubtably let fly with. I will
be required to walk/limp/crawl on my own power a minimum of 50 yards
through the mud to an ambulance that will take me away to patch me up.
If I can’t make it on my own, I’m not tough enough to be your President.
After all the nations in the entire world witness America’s new
President, an insane looking heavily tattooed freak, getting shot ON HIS
OWN ORDER as soon as he takes office, then crawling all bloody to an
ambulance, cussing the whole way and screaming pure hate in a monstrous
voice tortured by years of touring and Marlboro Reds, they will think
twice before f—ing with us. I can promise you that.
Speaking of military policy, there’s a few other things I will be
required to do if I am going to be your commander-in-chief. The first
thing I’ll do after recovering from being shot will be to go through the
thirteen week Marine Corps basic training boot camp on luxurious Parris
Island, South Carolina. I’ll be treated like any other recruit, in
fact, probably worse due to my status as the new POTUS.